Fellow White People to the East of Here,
First of all, congratulations. We did it. We have the executive, legislative, and soon the judicial branch of government, and it seems we really will make America as great as it used to be one hundred years ago. I hope you are happy.
I am a white male, but I live in California, which makes us more like distant, distant cousins. Even so, as an educator and a white person I believe I can explain all the emotion and tears you’ve seen in the last few days, because from talking to some of you, it is clear you are confused. You don’t get why this is such a big deal.
You’ve probably noticed a lot of morose faces from all the people who have stolen your jobs, so I’d like to help your impending governmental dominance to proceed with as little pepper spray as possible. As a lifelong resident of the Bay Area I have been surrounded by these people my entire life, and even today my friends, colleagues, and family members are a big mix of black people, Latino people, Asians, Indians, Pacific Islanders, LGBTQA+ people, Muslims, Atheists, Theists, Unitarians, immigrants, undocumented people, and people who are multi-racial. I think my experience can act as a conduit to help you understand why people seem so scared and angry. So I am going to ask you to do something that I know is extremely difficult for conservative people’s brains to do: Empathize.
Now imagine Hillary Clinton had run on the following platform:
-No more Christians will be allowed in this country.
-People of Anglo descent whose ancestors came to this country to escape persecution will be rounded up and sent back to Europe on Day One.
-Heterosexuals will be denied rights other people have (and Tim Kaine would be a fan of electrocuting them to cure their heterosexuality)
-When elected I will jail my political opponent
I know, I know, this platform sounds absolutely horrible. Only an insane person would run on a platform like this. You’d be scared, especially if you happen to be a heterosexual white male Christian, which is what you are. It’s a good thing Hillary wasn’t running with this kind of change in mind, because the targeting of your family and identity is staggering, isn’t it? But I hope you can see that is exactly what your candidate ran on, in an antithetical sense. I put it like this with the hope you can see why some kids are crying today, like all the Mexican kids in my classroom whose parents could be rounded up and deported. This is why young people all throughout California marched through our streets today. Losing your parents sucks, maybe you can relate. Maybe not.
The people we defeated are a little bit scared and a little bit sick. You are neither of these things because no one is coming for you on January 20th. Imagine if Hillary had run on said platform—you probably would have thought she was a fascist. Then imagine she ran on that platform and won. You probably would be a little sick. You might be scared. So just remember that all those sulky minorities and unflamboyant gays are simply preparing for their families to be torn apart, and preparing to lose rights they’ve been accustomed to having–as long as your President-Elect keeps his word.
You also have to understand that the brownish students I teach are immersed in social media just like your kids. With the rise of your candidate your kids are posting things about my students telling them they will be deported, they will be on the other side of a wall, and that they are ruining this country. I hope you can understand how this can make a child freak out a little bit. Again, I don’t expect this to bother you too much, because you feel the same way; your kids are getting all this from you. I’m not even imploring you to make it stop completely, because in all likelihood this will keep going for at least four more years. You want your kids saying these things. I get it. I’m just asking you to have some empathy for the condemned.
Look fellow whites, you have triumphed so completely I’m sure the enormity of it hasn’t fully sunk in for you either. That’s all I’m asking for, is some decompression time. You are about to get everything you’ve ever wanted, especially with all three branches of government locked in like Mitch McConnell’s dead eyes looking for seaweed (do turtles eat seaweed?). Social Security will be gutted; 20 million people will no longer have healthcare; Roe v Wade and gay marriage will vanish; welfare, disability, and unemployment will finally be on the chopping block for Paul Ryan, who hates these things. Oh, and Climate Change is now an issue of the past thanks to our pale people. Leading the world in massive immediate action to avert two degrees and even three degrees Celsius will now never happen. Hello four degrees? The new head of the EPA surely won’t believe in climate change, (which would be like the new Attorney General not believing in laws), and your vote shows you wanted this. You are on the verge of achieving completion, I can’t say I agree with any of it, but we are all allowed to have opinions and those are yours.
That brings me to another big difference between you and me. Here in California the white people I know are all trying to out-liberal each other. This is what I mean when I say we are more like cousins nine-times removed. Over here we think black lives actually matter. We don’t want mass extinctions of half the animals on this planet. We want a single-payer system like every other advanced country. We want the world to be cleaner and more sustainable. Hell, we like to smoke weed at gay weddings with the prospect of having premarital intercourse with a Muslim later that night. We don’t even allow guns at these kinds of events. I know, I get it. You probably can’t imagine a worse way to spend an evening. I guess to us over here in California it would be comparable to an all-white wedding in Alabama with confederate flag themed bridesmaids dresses, where everyone has an assault rifle, and for fun you electro-shock the gay attendees with cattle-prods once you figure out who they are–like a game of Clue: Confederate Wedding Edition. Clearly we get our kicks in different ways and vote accordingly.
So even though we are all white, and we have our differences, I just want to make sure your transition into complete and utter dominance is done with a shred of understanding, because it seems like many of you haven’t caught on to why these people are so gosh-darn bothered. Have a little empathy—not tons of it mind you, I’m not delusional—just a little. Over here in California we’ll be okay. While all your shenanigans were happening Tuesday, we were busy keeping our Senate and Assembly blue to go with our blue governor, and we were legalizing weed. We elected a black woman to the senate. Ridiculous, I know. If only we could bring Strom Thurmond back from heaven… I guess what I’m saying is not to expend too much energy on us over here, we might not be around for much longer anyway (#calexit anyone?), just try and exercise some humility for those poor diverse people in that giant red area on those touch-screen electoral maps. They just don’t understand how the candidate who got the most votes wasn’t elected. Show some pity, they thought this was some sort of democracy.
So remember, those people are scared because we are coming for them. I thought you understood this, but I wanted to clarify. They know what our plans are because Donald Trump has been saying them out loud into microphones for a year. We are coming for their rights because that was the platform we ran on and won with. They are not confused about this because we have made it clear we do not want them in our America. They are sick and they are scared, and if I was them, I would be too. But I am lucky because no President elect would ever run on a platform discriminating against me. I am white, just like you, and no one is coming for us.